It probably is a known fact by now that I only come here to post when life seems to have buried me in lemons I can't make into lemonade fast enough. To be honest, I'd imagine my stubborn self being buried under that huge mountain of lemons, legs crossed, given up and with a sour face. It seems to depict the moment in time right now. I just don't wanna make lemonade anymore!
You see, my life has been a hectic mess the past few months. I've been doing this and that to the point where I want no more to do with it. Yet.....I want to keep going......confusion, anguish, hurt.....what is rational anymore? I'm 16. Hormones do things to your head and heart to make you want love so badly it actually hurts. But it's almost as if my feelings and conscience are at constant war with each other because I know i'm too young BUT I long for a physical comfort and shoulder to lean on. I guess it makes it harder when you're the kind of person that literally squeaks when poked at the sides cause she's ultra sensitive, when you're the kind of person that shies away from physical contact unless you feel reallyyy close to people or perhaps when you are afraid to get to close to someone because you have a huge fear of rejection.
No, I'm not afraid to admit it but telling it out loud would kinda make me seem desperate and pathetic wouldn't it? 'sighs' I'm terribly afraid though that now it seems I do not know what love should be because I know God and I've felt inexplicably loved at some points of my life but I also know I'm human selfish. Sadly, selfish. Selfish because I know I already have someone out there that loves me and that wants to be there but I just want something physical! Someone that would just be physically there, someone that I could talk to that would talk back to me like someone who's human. I'm longing for the being of whose ribs i came from. If that even makes sense to you.
I know, it is phase. I know, perhaps this won't last forever. But I also know that my hope remains the same, that I would learn to understand what love is and learn to be committed because I finally understand. It feels like this journey I'm going through to learn THE lesson of life. Reminds me of the song "Go the distance" from the movie "Hercules". 'sigh' i do pray and hope I'll get past this phase soon. It ain't helping that my mock O-levels are in two days -_- or that I've sorta been sick. (maybe that's why my immune system towards the love bug's been down 'cough') Hopefully there's still bravery and strength left in this heart of mine to endure the thudding pain of being lost and stubbornly frustrated. Hopefully there's still compassion for my ever wandering heart.
