Being a leader is hard. It's hard when you have to be the one to handle matters and make sure everything is as it should be, it's hard when everything falls apart and you have to pick up the pieces but it's even harder when you're a leader and you realize you're like the shepherd without and sheep left. It's harder when you realize the only thing holding you back from being the good leader that you can be....is yourself.
About two weeks back, there was a sermon in church about how the sheep listen to the shepherd's voice and how as disciples of Christ, we are called to be come the sheep to the Lord but the shepherds to the people of God too. It was both amazing and scary at the same time when I heard that because I've been going through sort of a battle with myself and God because of certain leadership roles I had.
You see, I was the leader of my youth's cell group before they created new ones but I still try very hard to keep updated with them so as to promote a sense of family and unity that I very much wish to see be spread towards to rest of our youth group. Baby steps towards the bigger picture ;) and it's been relatively easy to do so because we've known each other for a while now and we see most of each other every weekend. My 2nd role would be heading a project my year in school is doing that's to be done externally. It's challenging because half the time I feel like I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing but it makes it better to know that I'm blessed to have a relatively united year group.
Then there's my cell group, the one that's not the youth cell group, the one that consists of adults and kids too. We used to be a big bunch before becoming 3 individual ones and we've all grown up together. Sadly, we've seem to grown apart and my group has been trying to rally the youths together (and the adults) so we can have a combined retreat. It's been hard with planning because of lack of commitment and availability and we're still trying very hard but it seems like it's going nowhere. This is where frustration No. 1 comes in. Frustration No. 2 would be the Christian fellowship in my school that I believe God had told me to start. I mean seriously, when signs after signs come flooding your life, it becomes really hard to ignore O.o but anywho, it started off quite okay until towards the end of last year. My school tends to be very disorganized with their activities and it's really hard to plan for stuff cause of it, though I guess I'm partly to blame because I had been having a hard time juggling activities and school work + a major project and this. It was harder knowing the people i would work with were people I hardly knew. People I still hardly know now. We seem to have dwindled down to the point where even the people I work with to be the leaders of this, have stopped participating. And I guess it's the final blow when you sit on that rock wondering where your sheep have gone when you realize, the only way for this to work out if you want it to is to call to them.
Now you may be thinking "What? Call them? Seriously, that's so easy." but what I mean is well......you see, I'm not the most outgoing person. I have friends sure, I can socialize sure, but deep inside sometimes all I want to do is hide away in a corner and not talk to anyone. So you can only imagine why I wouldn't want to go out of the way to establish a relationship no matter what it takes with these people, to rally them up, to be the shepherd that calls the sheep back. It doesn't help matters when I'm struggling myself as a sheep because I don't want to crawl back to the real shepherd, because I'm just too tired and frustrated. BUT, I know I have to seek the Lord, i know I need to come back to Him because only He will be able to give me the wisdom and strength to do what must be done. I guess it's just about time I listened and obeyed, I guess it's just about time I learnt my lesson and finished it.
Now all that can be done is to hope, pray, seek and call after my sheep. All while keeping the rest of the ones who haven't left, safe. 'sigh' Forgive me if I've confused you, forgive me if i rant too much but I hope if there's anything to be learnt from this even if you're not the one in my place, is that a leader isn't merely a figure, a leader isn't merely a dictator. A leader is a team member who fights the same battles as everyone else, who will be there to protect and care for his people, who will always be by their sides no matter what, who'd go through storms and seas and death to ensure to safety and well-being of his member and a leader, is a human being who faces the darkest hours of his nights battling his own demons to be strong in the morning again for everyone else. Yet, a leader also represents love and care, humility and respect, bravery and wisdom, honour and righteousness. All this....because that's what leader does....a leader puts himself at the front line in love and sacrifice, no matter how much human like the rest he is.
This is all this human could hope to be, to be that leader just as the true shepherd is in all perfection and more. Let the light guide me home, the hands that feed me, teach me too....and that I may hopefully learn to be even half the shepherd my Lord has ever been.
