Christmas just passed a few days back. For a change, we didn't have a big family gathering cause one of our families went off to the U.S. and another one's stuck in Singapore. We did have a small gathering the week prior while they were around though....'sigh' I thought that perhaps it'd be lonelier but to make things more depressing it seems it hasn't changed much. Over the years, painful as it has been, it's funny how the passing of my aunt and the declining health of my only grandparent: my dad's mum...has....left its impact. Sure, we did celebrate the birth of Christ :) and my family, even my dad, went to church and we had a nice simple lunch together as just the 4 of us but the loneliness of knowing the bigger family was drifting apart was painful to say the least. Perhaps I'm overreacting but I can't help that void of happiness where celebrating christmas, putting up the christmas tree, watching movies together or just talking to each other used to be. Stony faces, skyscrpaers, dark clouds, thick shrouds.........
Holidays used to be something I looked forward to and I still do but it seems now when it comes, I just tend to not want to go back. I used to want to. It was like holidays were a motivation cause they reminded you how boring life would be without school. However, now I may go back cause I have to but on the inside I scream like a toddler being dragged back to the most horrible place they just don't want to be in! I don't just get torn up inside because I'm being a spoilt brat, (mind you I do know myself enough to know I could be at times just not in this case) I get torn up because of what it represents to me. Going back to school, there's that responsible side that knows that I need to be there for people but that dark part of me that's afraid.Imagine a little girl with a fear ridden face in a dark dungeon....yup that's what I see it as :/ It's both a blessing and a curse to be given the ability to help others, especially when they willingly come to you with trust. It's a challenge to be optimistic and supportive to those that break down around you, who turn to you. It's not easy when on the inside you know just how well you can relate to them and while you're the physical body to cry on, on the inside you're crying just as bad. It's not easy when you're a natural pessimist who just wants to run and hide and never come back. Silent tears, pain, heartache, worry......me being a girl, it makes you wonder if stories are true. That there's someone out there who'd see past the oh so real smile you pass on to others even if it hurts. I don't want to go back but I have to....but I don't want to.....
It's like I'm at war with God! I'm so frustrated but mostly? It's with myself. I don't blame God. I wish he were just physically here right now to hold me when all I have are pillows and tears to release all the cooped up pain. I know He doesn't give more than we can handle, I know there's probably other people who have it worse, I know it's probably my fault anyway that I choose to dig my own pit of depression but it's so twisted ya know? Cause I'd rather wallow in self-pity and cry and suffer. It's painful but easier than facing my problems. Sad to say, I don't have the advantage in this case of being ignorant to my actions and their reasons. Being over-analytical can be a blessing and a curse too. I know, I know very well the actions I take, their reasons and what I should do to overcome them.....I just don't want to do it. Hey, my life is irony at it's finest is it not? Everything I do.....I'm caring and mean, optimistic but pessimistic, worth something yet not fit to be worth anything....I see the truth...yet I don't see it too....
I feel like a sick patient, dying on the inside. People may take their lives through suicide but I've come to realize slowly I've been taking my own too by cooping up the pain on the inside and not turning to God. Honestly, I still don't know what to do. I'm still so lost and so hurt because of many matters I don't trust myself to reveal here (which says something since this may be the only place you see the workings of my heart) Kind of makes me despise human weaknesses even if I know the good that the evil makes out of men as well. Huh, reading my own words...if you're an outsider you'd probably be lost as to what I write.....oh well.....I'll be blunt in saying it isn't necessary to understand but if you do read this....have fun i guess? :/ Blogging only happens when I'm frustrated, sad or in pain to the max. Helps prevent myself from boiling over.....I could only hope from this point forth it'll be awhile till I come back here. 'sigh' time to head back to reality 'rolls eyes' oh the joy
