Battle of fears

  Jealousy. It feeds on doubts, on fears, on lack of confidence, on sorrow.......on human emotions. I fear i'm once again put into a trial, being tested to see if i trust God enough to put my fears aside. You know how people always have at least a handful of issues they face throughout their lives? Like addiction or self-harming, saying without thinking or being short-tempered? Well i THINK i already know mine.......fear/lack of confidence. Fear of not being likable enough or sing well enough or fear of saying the wrong things or being this lazy and self-centered person. I know someone else out there would want to say "Noooo" but it is how I feel about myself......it is what i think of myself......i'm afraid they'd just say it without meaning it.

  Granted, i know God has shown me much in life to be thankful for, to be happy and confident about. He has shown me what love and friendship really is and He has given me strength and confidence over the last few years. Transitioning from the anti-social, quiet, 'in a corner' girl to a talkative, 'nice' and 'friendly' person. I know this change has happened, I've felt it and seen it in my own personal life, how i used to doubt myself, felt betrayed and felt so out of place to finding people i really trusted, having confidence to even ask a question in class or feeling free to laugh aloud and smile in front of people. I felt free and like i finally found wings i just never looked to my back to see, wings given by God from the very start.

  However, there's always good and bad.....always happiness and sadness......always confidence and fear.....I always feel like there's this battle in me, giving me a freedom and hope one day but then draining all spirit of me the next. Why do i feel this all the time? I'm around people i now trust, people i know i can depend on......yet the next moment i feel like i can't trust them, like there is only so far this friendship can go, like there's a limit.......

  Trust, love, relationship, running away, giving it all, receiving the Holy Spirit...........words through signs time and time again He shows yet signs time ad time again i'm too afraid to accept......or do but then back out of the next moment. I know i'm afraid, i know my problem.....what i don't know is how to solve it. What solves a problem like this? A problem inside of you, about your thoughts and emotions, affecting your inner well-being and one that you are too afraid too solve. It is like a dilemma i want to solve but don't want to at the same time. It is like a battle inside of me, saying "YOU CAN" but also "YOU CAN'T". I don't know which i am anymore, i don't know who these people are! Who am I in this? Am i even part of it?

  These words, an out-pour of my heart's fears, a way out from words held inside for too long. Lord, it isn't that i don't trust you, i think......i think it is me whom i have lost faith in. I find myself unworthy and useless, broken and so, so insignificant to the others around me. i know a broken pot was made the way it should be, I know you've made us with reason and purpose but Lord........even after i've submitted it to you, why do i still feel this way? or do i lack something i have yet to do? Tell me, please.....tell me......

  I find this blog has become a sort of diary for me, a place i can publicly/unpublicly share my thoughts or fears. A way to talk without talking, a way to say things i would never let leave out of my lips even to God. Once again, I'm afraid i fear even to say things out loud, as if saying it would make it more real and writing is just like writing a story. Yes, that's it.....a story.....