As a child i used to think love was this life long partner you would spend the rest of your life with, marry in a white dress, have kids with and then grow old and die with. Guess it isn't totally bogus right? Except my naive mind didn't know the details to the whole story. You see, that was in kindergarten (yes i thought about things like that as a 4 year old too :P) then i went to primary school and then i learnt about fighting for love and how sometimes there are dramas or obstacles a lovers pair must face. In those fantasies of course, if you were meant to be then you'd pull through no matter what and almost always......anyone could be the right one.
I ain't saying that the right ones don't pull through but once again, the details just weren't there and time and time again, guy after guy.....no one was right. I still remember the first 'crush' i had was in kindergarten. Strange? CHECK! Young? CHECK! Naive? CHECK! Ever worked out? NOPE. I look back now and i think what if I saw him today? and I realize, it would never have worked out. Firstly cause the guy and I never even talked to begin with and secondly cause he has this baby cute face that never matched my older looking one. (I've almost always looked around 2 years older than my piers :/ 'sigh') And there as i child i was thinking about the possibilities of having met 'The One'. Silly me.
THENNN came secondary school. You know that 'click' moment in your life when you realize all previous habits and likes like toys seem childish? Yeah, that one. It happened the moment secondary school started. I'm not going to go all 'boohoo' and all bout my primary school days but finding a good group friends brought me to a realization that my life in primary school may have been memories of childhood but it was a bit fake and lonely. I also realized that love wasn't that easy and people could spend a lifetime searching but never finding. (My aunt passed away my last year of primary school never getting married :/ she did have family love though :) love that still hasn't died even after 4 years)
Guys came and went in my life (No not boyfriends, crushes) and the closest to date of ever finding someone i liked that liked me back happened. Delighted as i was, i knew it was wrong. (The guy never quite told me he liked me though. Hey, i'm a girl. i know certain signs :P) We texted and called, he wished me goodnight, he left me voicemails, told me about his holidays, asked me about mine........It was too soon, too fast and he had a history of other girls so i may have 'friendzoned' him :/ poor guy never knew what he did wrong. Thinking about it, the religious conflicts we might have had would have been horrible too. Him being Muslim, me being Christian. I didn't want to give my heart up to someone knowing they would never understand my first love was for someone not exactly physically present.
I changed schools two years into secondary school and let's just say my year is the oldest batch and there ain't any possibilities there :P haha, however at this point an time of my life? I've learnt that love is when someone would die for you, when the other person makes you want to just be better or when the other person makes you laugh more often even when you may usually tend to be sad or short tempered. Personal discoveries include someone who'd love God more than me :) (A loyalty and discipline like that shows character and value ;P), a guy who i'd be comfortable with hugging or personal contact (never was one for hugs or even high 5's :S), a guy who will know my inner feelings even when i'm smiling (trust me, when i'm falling apart on the inside and i pull a small smile people notice but when i laugh and pull a big smile, everyone's oblivious) AND a guy who'd be willing to listen to me talk on and on and on......and on. (Come on, anyone who writes this much like i do must have a horrible habit of writing and talking too much right? :P at least i have the decency to acknowledge it)
So, now? Guys? Crushes? LOVE? hah! Hasn't happened yet. I've never had a boyfriend, starting to doubt i'd ever have one by the age of at least 21 :P but I have God's love so I'm learning to develop my relationship with Him first. There are guys out there, ones that are real gentlemen, but I've made a deal with God and unless the guy take an initiative and has been a friend first for at least 2 years then i'm not gonna give myself up that easily. Cause no matter how much a girl wants a knight it shining armor, if the knight is gonna save the damsel in distress only to ride off into the sunset 'happily ever after' then the poor guy ain't gonna be able to know the damsel when she's the exact OPPOSITE of being in distress. It'd be too late to save him then :P
I know i still know not much but if I've learnt anything, it is that love is when you have an everlasting friendship :) Maybe they should have just put that as the definition of love huh? Then maybe people wouldn't think love was about passion or lust or happily ever afters OR SAVING A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS -_-
'sigh' Ain't love a funny thing? :/
