It's just horrible. Right now I have a Chemistry report due tonight, a song choice to be sorted out for tonight's small Church cell group gathering at my house and I need to prepare to have my physical body be tested for endurance since tomorrow I'm gonna be literally as busy as a bee, flying from one place to another. This is no time to be sulking and sighing, yet here I am. Radiation of the computer burning into my skin and sadness on the brink of consuming my whole heart. How can something so insignificant become so significant? Why can't I just let it be and move on?
Those photos up there are only there because 1) They are decent 2) They are nothing compared to my worst AND 3) Because they are memories. I think these days, the only reason why I can bear the photos I dare to take is because they are ones of memories, ones that makes me smile not because of me but because of everyone else. It takes the mind of that one face that makes you doubt, that one face that is you.
I know, God made ALL things beautiful and I know God made me beautiful in His eyes. That it what I should be thankful for, I should also be thankful that I'm blessed to appear 'normal' without deformities or abnormalities but it doesn't change the fact that I feel i'm not pretty enough or photogenic enough. Believe me, if i showed you some of my worst and asked you how bad it was, you wouldn't want to answer. Am i vain for saying all this? Maybe. Am i self-absorbed because i can only think about how pretty i look? A bit but not really. Am i one of those girls that always complain about how they look? Well of course!
You know? As much as people may call those girls in movies that are 'popular' or 'cool' vain or selfish or self-centered or dumb. I beg to differ. They aren't ALL that way. If you paid attention, some movies certainly do point out these points but not every popular girl group is like this. I mean, it even exists in real life yet it isn't like that. Nerds, Jocks, Goths or whatever. There is bound to be similarities but not each one would be alike. Even some of these girls may face their own issues. They may be insecure or just mixed around with the wrong group. So please don't hate me if you read this because you may think I'm just another ONE of them. I don't like a lot of things about myself but it is the truth and I don't think it is right to condemn others based on what others categorize another as.
Point said. I do know who I am, well sort of. I do know genuinely I don't look good in pictures. I know there are others who say I'm pretty. I know there are others who don't care about how I look because they only care about what's inside. BUT, I still care. I still care about how I look like. I still care about the silent whispers inside other people's minds. I still care about the flaws in me. I CARE! and the truth is I don't like it very much....my flaws I mean.
Oh the dilemmas. I know God loves me, i know God made me beautiful in His eyes. So why do I doubt, why do I see so many flaws, why do I get so upset about it? I don't know. I'm hoping there'll be a day when I don't but it seems I have a hunch that won't happen. I guess it's cause I know it is only human to think like that. However, I wanna be able to give it all to God. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't wanna feel all depressed anymore. I need to turn my eyes away from this seeking of vanity but to Him instead. I shall now hope I'll be able to do that from now on. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my work and sleep well tonight without worry or sadness, submitting EVERYTHING to Him. Ah well, night Mr. blog.
