I know. If i relied on God and i actually was diligent and caring enough to talk to God every day like a good girl should, I may not be in this predicament but I don't feel comfortable just going that way. What if though we are and have been told to do devotions and pray everyday, we could also be something more? Does our life have to be this routine of tasks? What's the point if we don't feel like doing it anyway? Shouldn't we love it enough to do it? What i'm trying to say is, I'm searching for something more than just 'tasks'. I want to be doing it because i feel love and there is a sense of something greater, more powerful, that's upholding me to do it in the first place.
Heh, if that'd make any sense to most. Around me, i see couples 'in love' and people who 'oohh or ahh' about guys or stars. Once again, another topic i've never been alike to being. I've always believed in love, yes but I've never believed that a guy and girl could get together after knowing each other personally for a month or two, neither do I believe in celebrities looking 'hot' or 'cute'. If the definition of a girl has something got to do with that then what's it suppose to make me? A half breed? -_-
I know friends who claim they are in love with someone, get together with the person, dote on how wonderful the relationship is, be the centre of attention for a few months and then end up in an either messy or meaningless break-up that ended because either they couldn't agree on something, didn't like the way the other person was treating them or simply didn't feel a connection after a while.
So what is the meaning of love when people throw it around so simply saying "I'm in love with this star" or "I couldn't live another day without you" or "I'll love you for a thousand years". There is a fine difference between affection and love that is confusing even for me at times. However, what i find incredibly heartbreaking is the fact that it has become something so common that it causes peer pressure upon those untainted by the rules of modern 'love'.
I'm scared. Honestly speaking, I'm afraid that I'll forever be this different 'ugly duckling' who everyone presumes is crazy, random, doesn't say bad words, is innocent, maybe a little evil, nice, trustable, strong or good student. I'm afraid that i'll be disappointing the standards they have if i'm any different. Because the truth is, I'm also a very timid, predictable, pessimistic, weak, sensitive, emotional, vulnerable, lazy, procrastinating and slow to catch up girl. I want to be there for people, i really honestly love helping people because i get to see sometimes i'm not the only one who hurts (yes i know it's selfish) I like to help them though, I like the feeling of being able to turn a persons bullet train that's going to crash, around to a less dangerous path. The feeling of knowing they'll never reach the predicament you've been through or are in is one that brings a glimmer of hope that one day someone will do the same for you.
I've never told anyone truly my biggest fears, perhaps i'm still saving it for that special someone who i can fully trust to guard my inner most sacred fears. I don't know really, i guess i just feel that having someone know them might be the equivalent of someone holding on the the very heart of who I am and THAT is something that could kill me. I'm afraid someone might hurt it, might kill it, might kill me......
God HAS been good to me, I'm not saying He is the reason for this and neither am I saying I don't trust Him anymore. I'm just, you could say, searching and seeking. I'm taking the long path to understand the shorter ones and I'm taking the wide path because I want to see the danger before i understand the narrow. Call me dumb or say i'm making the wrong decisions but i need to find a way and I'm sure many people want to find their way too. Above all, I'll still love Him and i know this prodigal daughter will return home one day because no matter what, she's gonna always love her Father. That's one love that'll always be true and real. That's one that will never leave me alone.
