To walk and to crawl. What is the difference? When either way you go, you seem to still fall. A baby learning to crawl will stumble and run into things, an older version would do the same but the consequence of falling would be greater. So what if you could do much more, so what if it means you'll look like everyone else? You'll still be you, unique and different. At least that's how i feel all the time, different.......
As far back as i can remember, i've suffered from self inflicted problems. May it be being pure clumsy or just telling myself the bad things about me. Yes i know, 'normal' people don't say it out even if they realized this, 'normal' people would just not show that they do this to themselves. Why? because some don't want the attention, some don't want to admit it and some like me, don't want people to think me different or think i'm just looking for attention or think i'm just wallowing in self-pity! It hurts all the same even if i did. It hurts because they just before they ask why i do what i do. It hurts because of a few, i could never tell. In fear that though i may gain someone, i might also loose a big chunk of me to those who judge.
So i hide, so i laugh, so i cry only when i think it is safe. So i have two different faces, so what can i do? What advice does anyone have to last me my whole life? I know i can help others and i know i can be there to support them but being someone who spends so much time inside her never ending clockwork of brain, you tend to see past the support and comfort and see the why or the what's next or the what if's. Those are the scariest because it means there is an equal chance you'll fail again.
I thank God so, so much. If i didn't have Him then i would probably have killed myself long ago. I would probably have given up and just really wallowed in self pity never to return to the surface. He's the only one i knew understood, there are still many, many times i ask myself what's the point but i realized He has his reasons and if i want to find out then i'd have to keep going. It's not easy, it never is. Constantly just wanting to just cry and cry and cry even though being in social situations like school requires you to be nice and friendly and smile and laugh. They say i laugh at everything, they say i'm so friendly. If only they knew the reasons, if only they could see the layers of masks i have.
So comes the topic of any girl's heart. Don't deny it or think it's mushy, even i (someone who would wish to avoid the feeling) acknowledge the natural-ity of it. Knowing the above, i can quite honestly say that i'm scared. This is bad right? Or is it good that i'm worried? I mean, how could i be with anyone and be able to confide in them when my different faces apply to even my parents in fear of them being the overprotective people they are. I don't think i've EVER showed anyone my worst fears other than God. So how am I suppose to confide in anyone? The only reason i've ever dared to tell anyone my problems was because i knew they only knew part of my life. The only reason i've ever trusted someone wasn't because they knew so much about me and didn't tell but because they just simply never talked about people's problems. So what becomes of a person whose case seems different from her piers? What becomes of this case when she can't seem to find anyone with the specific problem of having masks? Nothing i guess. Nothing.....
I sound so naive and ignorant don't I? I'm sorry, i just needed a place that would be safer than most to tell the world though not many would see :) it's a comfort i kind of need right now. So i'm sorry if you feel its a waste of space or if you think any less of me when you read this but this is me, i need comfort too. Even if it is from myself just typing stuff.
