As a kid, i would often wallow in my sorrows or feel sorry for myself or hold grudges for days and weeks or maybe even bring up a fault that must have happened years ago just to prove a point about the wrongs of someone. Haha, yeah....that's me.....the real me, little evil child that I was. My parents would always try to find ways to prevent my 'moments'. Or discipline me into behaving. Wallowing? Scolding and ignoring. Feeling sorry? "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a move on, time waits for no one!" Holding grudges? Ignoring and showing no signs of care. (Eventually if it was my mom, the rightfully wrong one would apologize. Dad? Well, we just never mention of it again) Bringing up faults? Debates.
Yup, looking back.....i made my childhood a mess. I sort of pity my parents for having to put up with me. I was never the easiest child behind the eyes of outsiders. I don't blame them for being harsh, I know deep down they still loved me. The issue however was that all this created something. Wallowing? Move on and put it behind you. Feeling sorry? Do it inside your thoughts where no one sees it, multi-task and do something else so no one knows it. Holding grudges? Forgive but don't forget, try and see what you did wrong too. Bringing up faults? Try not to use it unless really necessary. They all transformed into something else, they all adapted and evolved. Now, i'm not a child therefore i shall put childish things behind.
I realize its not easy keeping things to yourself or trying to be the best you can be. Then again is anything ever that easy? For the first few years, it worked. Then the build up of emotions come crashing down like a tidal wave and you resurface to see all you've built destroyed and all you are on shaky grounds. When i'm hurt or put down, i get defensive and snap or put on a 'poker face' to prevent public embarrassment. Doesn't matter that the person didn't intend to hurt, the emotions were already on a trigger. Then, being in social situations demand the need for a different face and character and being at home demands the need to stay away from hurting those i love. And then it seems like there is no way back because there is no real love if i hurt them by not having patience and kindness or spending time with them.
So what now? What happens? What do I do? How do I do it? Will I hurt myself and them too? Is it worth the risk? Is the worst possible outcome really something i'm willing to face?Then I remember, after all these things I remember.....I;m not alone. Whatever happens, only one relationship matters above all else. And only one can help me when others can't.....only one love can pull me from the abyss and set my track straight.
