It's been about two months of me feeling terribly emotionally unstable, lost, vulnerable and weak. It's been about two months of trying to even do anything let alone excel. It's been about two months of trying to rise above myself and be that 'more' that people keep telling me I can be. I'm tired, I'm in pain on the inside and my one and only week of holidays is almost finished with tons of work still to be finished. I'm feeling so helpless at this point, trying to hang on to what I am and trying to hang on to my belief in God. But who am I kidding? I'm starting to have doubts about that too.
Why do I feel like this? Am I the only one around me who faces a battle with themselves ever so constantly? Is something wrong with me? I stare and read all those encouraging notes people write about and to me that i've stuck on the shelves of my table back here at home. It's as if they're talking about a distant character I used to know. It's as if that's not me anymore. I'm at present, just a shell of that person who's struggling so hard to hold on to reality. You know? There's only about just below 20 people in my class right now but I feel like I'm so inferior compared to everyone. It's as if no matter how hard I try, I'll never fit in. I keep trying to remind myself that I don't have to but it's so hard. It's like I have try so much harder than the others, like I have to remember more than a handful of lessons every second of my days, everyday. It's exhausting.
Back in secondary school, I used to have friends who attacked me with hugs just because I'm so akward with them, who would poke me at the sides just because I would squeal involuntarily and it was funny, who would joke around about things that sometimes would be inappropriate but always meant well. You never realize just how precious things are until they're gone. I was so blessed to have had that, to have had them. I'm the type of person who has problems letting people in and I would never have considered many of them even 'friends' by my own terms but looking back now? They were beyond that, I never had to be truly close to them at all, they definitely weren't friends. No, not merely friends. They were family and now I'm homesick.
When I first entered secondary school, I thought that was a battle but they weren't kidding when they said the battles get bigger the older you grow. Now I've seen an even darker shade of black than before, the longing to give in to it even stronger than before. I'm so scared, so very scared. I'm scared of failing, of not being enough, of being inferior compared to everyone, of giving in to the darkness, of not having enough strength, of that compelling feeling to give up inside of me, of the jumbled emotions entangled on the inside, of falling into a pit beyond saving, of the fact that I have to try for others as well, of being below average. I'm afraid of me. There was a point in time when I didn't really care what others thought of me, yet suddenly it's a competition to me. I want to prove that I'm not the worst of the class, for some sense of satisfaction and motivation that I can be more. Yet not going anywhere anyway just seems to make me feel even worse than before, with even less motivation too. I don't want to give in to the darkness, yet I want to too.
How am I supposed to go back to college next week and face everything again? Another measely 9 weeks of trying to stay afloat? Another gruesome 9 weeks of feeling pathetic and stupid because I can't seem to or not want to catch up with everyone else? I'm hurting on the inside but I don't want to be weak. I miss the people that at least held conversations with me, the people that would stick by me even if they never cared as much I wished. Now it almost seems as f I have to rely more on myself. Because I'm too scared and hurt and tired to even let God take the wheel. How am I suppose to do that?? I just don't know anymore. I just don't.
There's an ache where my heart is. A whisper where there once was laughter. The smiles I have no longer seem to hold meaning longer than the present. The desperation like a silent time bomb signalling the end. Oh Lord, I don't know what to do anymore. How do I lay it down before? How?? I want to try but I end up curling up into a ball and sobbing on the inside with no more tears left to be shed. How am I to cope when I go back there? I've cried so much these past 2 months, trying to be strong when I felt so hollow on the inside. Did I ever really know who I was? I don't know anymore. I want to but I feel so weak and helpless. How do you try?
