I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I hadn't guarded my heart like I should've, ashamed that I let myself believe in childish hopes but most of all ashamed that I would stoop so low as to compare myself to someone else. Emotions are a funny thing, they make you feel all sorts of things but in the end it is a choice to follow these feelings or to let them decide who you are to become. I'll admit that I let slip my guard these past few months and let my emotions take over my life. I realize now it must stop.
I recall a few years back, I had told God that I trusted Him to be the leader of my life and at that time, I was hurting from heartache knowing that my fantasy of being with someone I liked was too far-fetched. It just seemed improbable yet my heart yearned for a sort of physical comfort family and friends could never provide. I sought companionship. I came to my senses in realization that my love for God came first and that if all were to fade away, at least God would still be there. But I had to ensure that my relationship with Him was strong enough, not a weak acquaintance that would be a blur guide when life hit rock bottom. It seems as if I didn't keep to it and my life had hit its emotional rock bottom. I've even drifted away, perhaps not severely but more than I would have liked to.
Guys and 'crushes', emotions and stress.....they'll always be there to pull me every which way. But God would be my anchor to hold me through the storms. I've known this all my life but the most meaningful lessons are ones that are simple yet hard to abide by. I've reached a moment of clarity today, realizing I've allowed myself trivial ideas and selfish gains that have done nothing but lead me into a pit of despair....that the only way to endure such trials would be to rededicate my life to the Lord and strive to amend what I've thrown away so foolishly. Above all, I should have always made Him my first. Perhaps then I wouldn't have had my heart broken the way it had been. Perhaps then I wouldn't be set falling for another and caught comparing myself to another girl in thoughts telling me I'm not good enough. It is now I realize, God made me the way He desired me to be and to beat myself up or pretend to be someone I'm not would merely be trying to perfect what is already good enough. I don't need it.
Tis the scandal of grace. That such love would bear such pain and sorrow. That such power would understand and seek to uphold such shame and weakness. I deserve none of these, I deserve nothing yet because He loved me first....I have everything I could ever need and more. It is my doubt and selfish needs that have clouded my vision and prevented me from seeing how truly blessed I am. Now that I see, all I pray is that I keep my eyes held on He who painted the Sun, the Moon and the Stars up where they belong. That I pray even more fervently. That I seek ever more desperately. That I learn courage and to love oh so hungrily. I lay all I am once more before the throne in seeking of forgiveness and love, acknowledging that my life has become empty when I left the light, understanding the sword and shield I must take up once more. For my battle shouldn't be with myself or those around but darkness itself, that who I am and what I stand for be reclaimed once more.
