Have you ever just felt like you were literally your own most horribly worst enemy? Like you were at war with yourself so often you couldn't tell which was you anymore? Like the life you live is a lie? Like everything just seems to be slipping away and you have no more control? Well that's how it feels like right now. Sitting on my table (yes I can do that, my table's just special like that), with my wet hair and the radio blasting. I don't like to over exaggerate things so petty as this but I honestly do feel like a total mess, living a mask of smiles and laughter while the insecurities and doubt builds each time I do something wrong or I simply don't do something I know I should.
Yeah, I know it's my fault. I brought this upon myself. I let myself down. I'm just too ignorant for my own good. Too lazy. Too narrow-minded. Too clumsy. Too self-absorbed. Too naive. Too foolish. Too blind. Too weak......giving up because it's my choice and then complaining about it. Yup, that's me. You know what the irony is? I CHOOSE not to work harder, then I falter and fall, then I cry like a pathetic child and then I realize what I can do to pick myself up and move on....but I just choose not to and the cycle reruns. I know what's good for me, I know it's not this. But it's almost as if the pain I feel now is safe, it means I won't have to get back up only to fall down again. I keep telling myself that that brief instance of joy and light is worth it but the more I fall, the more I just don't want to care.
The very people I wish would know what I feel, I just don't want to tell. I don't want to be that pathetic, petty girl who thinks the world revolves around her and her problems. I don't want to be that girl who acts like she's okay when it's so obvious she's not. I don't want to attract attention. Perhaps it's just better this way. That nobody knows. That nobody I want to know, knows. That nobody knows the extent of my hurt. Or how many times I've cried myself to sleep. People with actual broken hearts and lives deserve that indulgence, an indulgence I shouldn't get to have because my excuse isn't valid. What kind of a sorry excuse is a blessed girl with low self-esteem anyway?
God seems like a simple figure now to me. As much as I love Him, all I want to do is run away. I feel like an endless case of wrong choices. What's the point. The only thing that seems to have been keeping me afloat is the knowledge that people actually look up to me. I get why they do but I see the behind-the-scenes of the exterior they see and that's a dump they'll never get to see. Perhaps it'll get better, perhaps this is only a phase in my life.....but for now....this is as honest as I've been about my darkness in a while. And it is relieving. I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep again but i'll be honest and say there's still some part of me that hopes it'll get better. Until then, if it comes, goodnight.
